The C Word

This is a post I wrote when I first was being diagnosed...I hadn't decided to share it at the time, as I was still processing everything. I am thinking I'm going to start working through this right now and this is a good start:)

February 5, 2022

The C Word that I'm referring to is not covid, but cancer...

Processing... I'm in this stage of a big change in my life and I'm processing. 

I knew something was going wrong since December of last year and I pushed my way through multiple visits to the ER. Finally after 4 of these visits, I was sent for a CT scan. I went for the results immediately and was told I had some swollen nodes in my throat.  I was referred to an ENT to be seen immediately for a biopsy. 

That was exactly when our family contracted covid and the biopsy got bumped. I finally had it last week and got the results on Monday, January 31... 

"Consistent with B Cell lymphoproliferative disorder"

I just sat there, alone, listening to this... Because we aren't allowed to have a support person in during covid. I asked the doctor to repeat it and she let me look at the page. 

She talked about the cancer center team that would be in touch with me and about the forms of treatment - medications, radiation etc...

That was Monday. 

Tuesday I received phone calls from the team starting the intake process. 

Wednesday I spoke to the hemotologist and set up 3 appointments and picked up a medication prescription.

Thursday I took pain meds and lorazepam and headed in, for the first time, to the cancer center. I was having a bone marrow biopsy, in the chemo clinic. 

I was on the verge of tears walking through. Seeing so many people there. Knowing that I am now a cancer patient. I had the biopsy, which was really stressful and not fun, but necessary and had bloodwork completed. 

Friday I went for an echo and a full body CT scan. I should know the formal diagnosis hopefully by Monday. 

These are the facts. These are the realities. 

My anxiety has been high, my blood pressure today was 151/100. I'm trying to breathe and cope and manage. It isn't easy.

I cry a lot. I screamed in my car last night. I'm scared, but at the same time I feel like I am no different. I don't feel like I have cancer. I am happy that I am getting help so quickly. I am a mixture of so many random emotions.

I feel like I'm going to need an outlet through this process. I'm going to do some journaling here on my blog when I am overwhelmed or processing. 

Feel free to follow along as I take this new road...