For Such A Time As This

For such a time as this, this is found in Esther 4:14. It was said as a means of encouragement to Esther that she had been created for the very purpose of being queen, for such a time as this.

I have had this verse in my heart for a few days now and I feel like it must be there for a reason.

For such a time as this…

How could this verse mean anything to me, in the part of this journey that I am in? I'm not a queen, I'm not ruling anything, I'm not in the same place that Esther is, but it keeps calling me.

For such a time as this…

I'm maybe gaining a better understanding of what this verse means to me, right now, at this time in my life.

This past year has been a long and eye opening year for me. I have been through some personal struggles, my husband and I have been through some relational struggles, we have experienced losses and griefs that not many people know about.

It has been a long year. But it has been a year that I can now look back on and piece together some insight into where I am now and where I am headed…

And "for such a time as this" makes sense all of a sudden…

We started a year ago trying to conceive a child. This was a dream that both my husband and I had. There were some obstacles in the way, and while we walked the path that we thought was correct, it was not successful. A lot of money, a lot of medications, a lot of testing and a lot of our life revolved around this. I'm not sure that many people can understand the impact that secondary infertility can have on a couple, but it is real. We cried, we have grieved, we have been angry at God and still hopeful for possibilities and miracles…but it wasn't meant to be.

This process seemed to change me. I began to close into myself and cut myself off from a lot of people, even those that I loved dearly. I needed time to process what was happening in my life, in our life and figure out what my priorities were. It became a little bit lonely, but gave me the time to think and just be still and quiet. I felt like I was teetering on the verge of depression and I knew I couldn't go back there again.

Then in what seemed the next moment, there was a new issue that arose in our marriage.This one is private, it is for us right now, but it consumed every part of us. We sought out counseling, we took steps that were necessary, we screamed and cried and grieved again. We questioned things and we questioned ourselves. With help, we are continuing to rebuild our marriage and make it strong and unbreakable. We are not perfect, we are not ever going to be perfect. The difference is, we know how to fight fairly, we know how to ask for what we need, we know that it takes a lot of work and not being afraid to be open with each other. We continue to be a work in progress.

After starting individual counseling, I realized that I needed to work on me. How can I be a good person, a good mom, a good wife if I hadn't dealt with my past hurts. That is also a lot of private stuff, a lot of things that I hid away and just hoped would not resurface. Little did I know, it needed to come up. I am still working through my past but I have at least acknowledged things. I have forgiven people. I have forgiven myself. I can see how doing these things have and continue to change me. 

Things were starting to look up again…then the whirlwind hit.

Surprise!! Stage 4 mantle cell lymphoma. Because we obviously have not dealt with enough this year…what's one more issue? 

Looking back, I can see all the things that we thought were so awful in the moment, were leading us to this part of our journey. 

If we had been successful with conceiving, how would I feel having to choose between a baby and my treatments? I couldn't imagine how that would feel…that is what you see on TV and you think, what would I do? I would never want to be in that position. 

I'm thankful that it worked out this way. 

If I hadn't started to pull back from people and take time to be quiet with myself, I would not have been in a position to be strong enough to manage this diagnosis. I grew a lot over the summer, I became more independent and more confident in who I was as a person on my own. 

I'm thankful I had that solitude when I needed it.

The fact that our marriage could have fallen apart at the next point, but we have chosen to fight for us, together, has given me a partner who is standing firmly at my side, supporting me through in ways that some people may not see. He lets me cry with him, I can talk about my fears, I can be open about my true feelings and he still loves me.  We are not perfect, as I said, but we are real and our love is real.

I'm thankful our marriage had a shake up in order to show that we are in this for the long haul, together.

Individual counseling for me, just solidified the fact that I need to keep working on myself. If I'm going to be a strong person, a role model, I need to be healthy in my mind, body and spirit. I'm still getting there, but I'm moving forward. 

I'm thankful that I've been able to dig deeper into my beliefs and know that I'm coming out a stronger person. 

Lymphoma…this one incurable and rare, yet treatable and liveable. 

For such a time as this…

We need to change how we see life as it passes us by. We need to recognize that while God knows we may be angry at times, and scream at Him in frustration, that He is with us in it all. He walked beside us as we cried and grieved, as we struggled and fought, as we learned and grew and He is here with us now. 

He has never left us, and people may question how I can follow and love a God that isn't just "healing" me right now, the thing is, I can see the big picture. I can see how He has held my heart through this all. I can see how He is continuing to help me through this. 

Do I pray for full healing, yes, I do. But I'm also praying that my life can be some kind of an example to those that are struggling out there. Those that are grieving, those that are crying and screaming and yelling…

And I know this isn't over, this is just the beginning, I have a long road ahead of me. Exhaustion, fatigue, nausea, hormonal changes, major interventions and hospitalizations, I still want to be me, I still want to be real, I want to bring hope and love and laughter to everyone. 

I want to be a light in this dark world…

For such a time as this, I'm here for such a time as this...