Effects of Chemo - The Fatigue is Real!

I am getting ready for my 4th Chemo treatment. 

I am feeling tired and exhausted all the time. Some days I really don't want to get out of bed, but life ya know...

There doctor has said that they may need to delay my next treatment until numbers come up and the fatigue subsides a bit...

I don't think I've ever really understood what true fatigue is, it is literally not being able to move, not even to just pick up something across the room, it is being so out of breath just going up the stairs, it is laying in bed and feeling like you disappear into the bed...

I don't know if it is because of the treatment or if I'm just falling down a dark hole again... I've been replaying everything from the beginning - did I make the right choices? Should I have waited and gone through the process to preserve eggs so we could attempt a pregnancy after? Should I have said yes to the clinical trial that was offered to me? 

Everyday lately this is what has been in my thoughts. It is real. These questions make me sad and I find myself on the verge of tears a lot. 

I get up though and go through my daily life. I take care of the kids the best I can. I go to functions, I drag myself around because I know I can't just sit and stew about decisions that can't be undone. I try to put on that face and make sure everyone knows that I'm ok.

I feel ok and I don't feel ok. I don't know how to describe it. I want normal and I don't want normal back. I want to go back to work and I don't want to go back to work. I'm so mixed up...

I've had to answer questions at the hospital that involve substitute decision makers, end of life planning, what things need to be in place in this case... I don't feel like I'm old enough to have to make these choices. How does one make these choices when they are just diagnosed and at what I consider "not old"? I should still have decades to make these decisions.

The way I'm feeling right now, the fatigue, the exhaustion, the body pains, it makes these conversations hit harder all of a sudden. 

I know I'm a fighter, don't get me wrong. There is too much to live for... And number 1 on the list from my therapist was "stay here" so that is the plan, but I'm struggling a little bit...

And tomorrow is a new day, and maybe I need to talk to the doctor about medication again, and I know I'm going to be ok, I'm just struggling a little more then I would like...