But all that is consuming me right now is what I am going to blog about instead...
I said something that I never thought or expected I would have ever said...
After this summer, I have been replaying the events and conversations surrounding Faiths birth and first 16 days...
The part that sticks out the most right now, at this moment in my life, is:
When the doctor told us that he has been at conferences and spoken with other parents who had the opportunity to let their babies "declare for themselves" whether they should live or not. He said that the majority of the parents, many years later, said if they knew what their lives would entail, they may have made the "other" decision.
That was when we spoke up and said NO WAY!!! She is ours and we will take her as she is. We fought for her...
After this summer...and all the new issues...I had that thought...
What if I had a do-over, knowing what our lives would look like with her here...
What would I choose? Would I make the same decision? Would I have fought so hard? Would I have believed them? Would we have left that hospital without Faith?
Before anyone judges me, or jumps down my throat...
Before those who are so stuck in their religion that they deny questioning as a part of life...
Before you all think that I hate my life or my child...
You need to remember that these are my shoes. This is my journey. This is my path.
I make choices that you may not like and you make choices that I may not agree with.
I have seriously thought about what our life would have been like if we had chosen to walk the path of grief instead of life. Would it have been easier? I really don't know.
Would we have been able to live with ourselves? I don't know.
Would I be able to live without the life that Faith brings into our lives? I don't know.
This week as I was driving home, from a long, frustrating day at work, I was met with my daughter, my 3 year old special needs daughter, at the end of my street (at least 20 houses away) across the main street and playing with a shopping cart on the side of the road. Oh, and the dog was with her...
This is just the latest in the grand scheme of our summer...I can honestly say that it has been hell.
We have been living hell this summer. An emotional roller coaster. Up and down.
We survive, we look forward to the future, we do what we need to do...but we also learn where we need to re-prioritize our lives, we learn who is really there for us or not, we learn the value of time.
We also learn to question and grow. We learn what works for us, no matter what others may think. We learn how to set up our new normal.
As long as we learn. As long as we grow. And as long as we find and move into our new normal, I consider anything we do a success...
And I know that I could NEVER live without Faith...if she weren't here, I wouldn't have grown into the person I am...
And life would be BORING!!
My heart goes out to your family :)
ReplyDeleteYou my friend, are a wonderful human woman who is having 100% completely normal thoughts. You do need to cut yourself some slack. You and Pete are both doing the best to your ability with what you have to work with. None of your children came with an instruction manual, even the one who you may have needed one most for. You are a terrific mom and Pete's a terrific dad. Just remember you are human and like other human's you need to have your support system to rely on. So, in saying that, you can count on me to be a non-judgemental support person. Im here if you need me, to vent or other wise. Who can guess what the future holds in store for the rest of Faith's life, I do know one thing, that little girl has been a blessing in my life. Her unconditional love and her smile have brightened many of my days. For what its worth, in my opinion, you made the absolute right decision.
ReplyDeletecount me in on the list of your non-religious, non-judgmental friends.
ReplyDeletei concur with all that Tina said!!
Me too!
ReplyDeleteHow can you possibly NOT have had questions while going through all that you have gone through? I hear your heart, and I know how much you love Faith, and I know you want what's best for her and your family. There's no judgement here either, sweetie. Just an understanding that life sucks, and we ask hard questions sometimes that are even harder to admit we're asking. Thank you for being honest. I know MANY special needs parents who ask those questions - especially those who have adopted special needs children. You're not alone in these feelings or questions. You're not alone.
ReplyDeleteI will continue to encourage you to find a balance that works for your family. You've mentioned the stresses of work and home... and maybe SOMETHING has to get let go of. Maybe it's sharing your home with students, maybe it's committments at church.... Because you're ASKING questions, you will find answers to them. It's when you stop asking questions that I'll get worried, cuz it means you don't care anymore....
Just yesterday I saw a quote from a friend on FB that I thought about when I read your post today:
"6 months ago I was redundant. A lot of things (both good and bad) have happened in these 6 months. God is still God. Friends and family are everything. Look after and cultivate those 3 sets of relationships and you will have all you need."
HUGS my friend!