Emotional Train Wreck...

What a day, I guess this is hitting me so much more then I had expected. I have way too much going on in my life right now and I wish so much of it could be gone, but it cannot...

First, I had to fax in my girls immunization records today. If I don't get it to them by Tuesday, they would both have been suspended from school for the last week. It doesn't make any sense to me.

I got them faxed in, no problem, and when I get home, I get a phone call almost right away. It is public health and they say that Cutie Pie needs 1 more shot to be up to date. I said that my dr had said there were no real guidelines that she could see and to send it in anyways. I asked if she was ok to wait until next year (she isn't even going next year) since they could see that we were still in the process of having them all done.

NOPE!! If she doesn't get her needle by Tuesday she will be suspended for sure. How frustrating is this?

Now, I am a pretty private person, I try to keep my emotions in check, but after my last 3 weeks, I am no longer that same person.

I burst into tears on the phone. I said that I was already dealing with numerous appointments with my one daughter, dealing with the diagnosis of epilepsy, just getting over a seizure yesterday and I basically verbally vomitted all over her.

I never got angry with her, or yelled at her. She kept telling me to calm down, relax, I can bring my daughter into their office and do it there, since it is easier then having to fax it in again. I felt really badly about doing that, but it is good for them to see what kind of stress they put some parents under. I really don't think it is fair if they can see that there is an appointment set up and that the protocol is going to be followed...hmmm...

Then, I composed myself for my next appointment, wiped my eyes, tried to get rid of the redness and swelling...breathed...and welcomed the next group of people in.

We have been working on her temperment scale, and she is typical in some areas, but extremely atypical (?) in other areas. She is definitely more active then the typical 18 month old. I knew it!! But we should be getting her out and running around, keeping her away from certain things, making the house a safe place...

This is so against what I have always done. You know, Houseproof the child, not childproof the house. But, with her activity level comes all kinds of consequences, that really, I don't want to deal with...so, having the gates up (which I never needed before), the locks on the cupbards (which I again, never needed before) and stuff like that. I will never again make comments about people not setting proper boundaries for their kids...

It is easier, my worker told me, to handle one or two boundaries at a time. So, just make those ones the ones that you can't change. Everything else will come in time...there was other information there, but when we got to the mood issues, which again, were atypical (?), I burst emotionally again...

We were told around 3 weeks ago, that Faith was diagnosed with epilepsy. I know that. We were actually elated, because it meant that if that was the only problem it was going to be fine. Then we went on to have a grand mal seizure, and another focal seizure. Now it is real. The way that the seizure happened yesterday showed me that Faith could, and probably is, having seizures periodically through the night. It would explain her behaviour, her sleep patterns, her moods, her aggressiveness...it makes sense.

But, it also makes this diagnosis real for me. We are Christians, we believe in healing, but I am also not an extremist, and I live in reality quite well. Now we are talking about medications, and life...but not our own. Someone elses. We are now making huge decisions that will affect Faith for a long time. And me, I feel like I have finally lost a battle...I feel like I am done, this is it, this is where we are at and we can't just pretend that it is not happening anymore...

Here is probably where I stop making sense of everything. My worker is awesome, she talked me through a lot of what I am feeling. I think a big thing for me is that I have always remained strong, questioning, sometimes, but strong. For 18 months, I have hoped and prayed, I have watched and acted and made decisions whenever they were necessary. For 18 months, this is what my life has consisted of. What I haven't done is grieved...I lost the "typical" child that we dreamed about and hoped for. But I couldn't bring myself to grieve this loss, because I have always been fighting for her.

Don't get me wrong, I am disappointed, a bit, but I am still thrilled to be on this road instead. I again, say that this is my Holland. I am finally at a point where I am accepting this to be where I am. I am the mother of a child who has epilepsy, and is having seizures. I am learning to guide our family through this transition, I am learning to find the good in this situation (and I know that there are some, somewhere). But, I am still grieving that original loss. If any of that makes sense...

So, there, none of it will make sense to any readers, but I needed to get this out so I can figure out where I stand right now...this has been long enough...