Random Thoughts Tonight

Not sure where these thoughts are going...but, this is why I blog...

Ephesians 4:17 So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. 18 They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. 19 Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more.
20 You, however, did not come to know Christ that way. 21 Surely you heard of him and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. 22 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; 23 to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24 and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.
25 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 26 "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold. 28 He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need.
29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

So, I decided to stop taking the medication. Just stop...some people may say that I should have done it slowly, but, I was done with them. They kinda gave me that boost that I needed to see what I need to work on in my life. I really felt like I was at the end of my rope.

My rope...what is it made of and where is it hanging from? You know, I know the scriptures, we are new creatures in Christ. So why do I struggle so hard with the idea of my life being new? That I am not who I once was? I thought, while on this medication, that what I really need is to get to the root of my issues. What is wrong and what is it in my life that I need to handle and deal with?

I had and still tend to have very little self esteem. For whatever reasons, I just never thought very highly of myself. People regularly made fun of me and I just tended to turn inwards. It led me to grow up not really caring about myself, or my choices. I had (and am now trying to work on) a very poor body image. I did not think I was worth it. I was not of value to anyone. I know that these are lies. I know that I am not invisible. I know how much I am treasured...I have read it all and heard it all...

So where does that leave me?

Here, where I am now. Remembering that I need to rely on God. I need to continue renewing my mind. I need to remember this: 20 You, however, did not come to know Christ that way. 21 Surely you heard of him and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. 22 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; 23 to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24 and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

It is late and I will end with something I wrote with God's help, when I was at a low point in my past.

My Hearts Smile(1999)

My heart was in so much pain
Until I looked to you
I felt so sad and lonely
Until you helped me through
I heard your voice talking
You were calling my name
"Stay with me, follow me
I will take your pain
I am always with you
I am forever by your side
I will take your burdens
You no longer have to hide
Just grab hold of my hand
And I will guide your way
If you fall down, I'll pick you up
And comfort you each day
It is a long road to walk
But I will lead you on
I'll be with you every step you take
And I will never be gone"
I thank you Lord for waiting
Though it takes me a while
To realize what I really need
To make my heart truly smile

So, God, I thank you for being patient. I thank you for being there. I thank you for understanding. Even though I am not always there. Even though I continue to struggle with the thought of your unfailing love. Even though I get angry and disappointed and frustrated. I thank you for a renewed mind and for a clean slate. I thank you for your continuing love and I thank you for wrapping your huge arms around me when I need it most.